On Monday 27 February my little Fraizy (kitten) fell sick again. Diarrhoea, vomiting, lack of appetite and totally apathetic because of the fever. When she was not asleep, she was defecating all around the house, terrified by pain.
All this happened following my two cats' operations (sterelisation and castration) in mid-January. The male experienced complications for several weeks. We had to call the veterinary emergency services and it took him a long time to recover from the abscess.
No it revived my acute anxiety. The one I experienced in the past, the panic attacks when I completely lost control. Attacks caracterised by the violence of the symptons: shivers, suffocation, tears, abdominal pain, nausea, urticaria, palpitation. My heart was beating so hard, it could have gone out of my chest.
This summarises my everyday life in the last few weeks and a few years ago. I found it hard to eat, to sleep or to think of something else apart from this stress taking possession of my body.
Last Saturday when I was just only half awake I could already feel the wave of stress invading my body.
Why? Why do my soul and body turn against me?
There was a time I had to take Xanax as these panic attacks became so intense. But all of this belongs to the past, and to tell you the truth, I was hoping it was all far behind me. I'm not talking about little stress of everyday life but these panic attacks paralising me, when I feel I don't control my body anymore. Indeed all in all I always had an anxious character.
Indeed yes, I'm almost unable to make phone calls. I can manage calling my close family like my husband, my mother, my brothers, my sister or my parents in law but apart from them it is panic. To the point that Mr Krevette has to book my appointments to the hairdresser. He is actually managing a lot in our lives to protect me from anxious situations. It is a relief to be supported and protected that way but sometimes I wonder if is not comforting me to keep these bad habits.
In everyday life, I live in my bubble, at mine and I don't interact much with the outside world. My unsociability doesn't help because them I have no motivation to interact with my peers. However when I analyse my general behaviour and my fears I realise this can be described as social phobia. I hate this word but I need to admit it. I suffer from social phobia. And even though my way of life suits me, I would like not to feel so anxious.
I sometimes feel like I'm locked in a cage I built myself. Most of the time I love it, cherish it, kiss it and curse everything outside it. But some days I hate it and hate myself too! When instead of protecting me, it turns against me.
Fundamentally, I have always been hyper sensitive. Hyper empathetic, hyper many things. I feel everything very strong. So I believe that anxiety was able to quickly settle and develop. I must the ideal person.
So today I wanted to complain a bit. To get the remaining stress out of me.
I never wrote anything like this in the blog before but I really didn't want to write something as if nothing was happening. I didn't want to write about shopping, didn't want to get a new look, didn't want to polish my nails. Because guess what, I don't come down to that.
I think it may be time for my blog to reflect myself more, to include opinion posts. Knowing that I am cyclothymique* (*definition in my FAQ), and that deep down I also wanted to share with you this side of my personality, so that it becomes part of the blog. (And Mr Krevette is impatient for this, ahah xD)
Anyway now you understand better my absence in the past few days (Even though I tried to stay on course on Instagram).
And as my cat is feeling better, and I am calmer, I'm getting back into business here. In a way I missed not posting on the blog. And it was to maintain balance that I created it in the first place ;-)
See you soon for new adventures!
PS: Thank you so much to my lovely Elsa for the translation ! You're the best.